panthera_sapien (panthera_sapien) wrote in trans_kink,

Sharing some of my stress

I'm going to post an email here that I sent as well as posted in my own journal. Because I don't have a specific question, and because the email isn't addressed to you, I'm not sure how appropriate it is for the group, but I want to share because it's related to a pretty good amount of stress I feel about not being accepted (as FtM) into men's-only situations. The email was sent to a local leather boys' group.


I got your email addresses from the (...) web site; because it was there, I'm assuming that it is okay for me to send this email to all of you. If not, please forgive me, and help me learn to avoid the same mistake in the future.

Half of you I know, and the others I don't; and none of you know me well. For those of you who don't know me, I'm vic, and I'm transgendered -- I was born female, and I'm currently transitioning to male; I identify and present as male, though at this point in my transition, my body is mostly female.

boy (...) has encouraged me to come to the (...) workshops. I'd love to come. I'd love to get to know you. I'd love to have this be an opportunity to develop brotherhood with other boys. But I'm conflicted between that desire and feeling as if I'm supporting a group in which I have no chance at ever being a member, along with any other prospective transboys who might wish to join.

As you know, (...) membership is available only to boys who were born male -- or "genetically male," as it says on the website. This policy not only rejects membership to boys like myself (who are early in transition), but theoretically also rejects membership to boys who have completely transitioned to male, medically and legally. This means that "boy x," would be denied membership to this group (assuming that someone knew he was born female), despite that he would be legally recognized as male -- this can go so far as to his birth certificate indicating that he is male.

This is an extremely sensitive issue for me, and it is not just (...), but other mens-only parties and clubs that deny entrance or membership to transmen. It is hard to explain, but it is upsetting to feel like I am being rejected by a group that I feel I fit into, by men and boys I feel like are a part of my extended family and are a part of my own identity as a leatherboy.

I know that these policies, and (...)'s policy isn't necessarily a slight against me personally. I know that there are circumstances I don't know or understand that are related to the choice to deny transboys. And that is primarily why I'm sending this email.

It would be a lie for me to say I don't want (...) to change its policy. But I don't feel it is my prerogative to try to convince you to do so. But maybe if I can understand why this choice for the group was made and is maintained, I will feel less personal distress about the issue, and will be less likely to hold some sort of grudge against you for upholding it -- I don't want to do that.

So please, will you take the time to help me understand, in reference to (...) and other "mens-only" situations? Why is the group explicitly only for boys that were born male? Is there sexuality involved such that the other members of the group would be made uncomfortable because they would be exposed to the female aspects of a transboy's body? What about a transboy threatens the goals of the group? I'm not even sure what questions to ask.

I know this email may stir up some emotions in you, and I'm afraid my tone may have been a bit accusatory. Despite that, I hope this email finds you well, and that you'll be willing to talk with me, share with me, and get to know me.

-boy vic

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